I think that I am the coolest jologs named Ruthie in Friendster. See, I did a user search on my name. I think that everybody else named Ruthie from the Philippines are so pacute. If not pacute, their headshots were either a puppy/dog or a kitten. But maybe it's too early to judge. I'm only half way through all the 467 profiles.

Oh darn.. I think this Ruthie here beats my coolness by, oh i don't know, like 5% maybe: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=42200847

Sayang noh? Ako na sana ang coolest. Oh well.. Maybe next year :) |


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I would like to have a list of things I shall do when I go back home. I would like to put it in the sidebar over there on your left. But you know what? I don't have enough power to do such. I don't have enough will to search for such an option in blogger's now oh so complicated template box. It's so hard. Even the counter I put I cannot put in the center of the sidebar.

Someone teach me this shit I am impatient unlike before argggh. Thank you so much. |

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GADAMET!! WHEN THE HELL WILL I HAVE MY FRIGGIN PRIVACY. WHEN I'M ALREADY DYING?? NO WONDER I LOOOOOVE BEING AWAY FROM 'OUR' HOUSE. NO WONDER I LOOOOVE BEING INDEPENDENT. NO WONDER I'M PLANNING OF GETTING AN APARTMENT OF MY OWN BEFORE I GRADUATE COLLEGE!!

Can't anybody understand that I, a TEEN, need privacy?? YES I AM A FRIGGIN TEEN. And FRIGGIN TEENS DO NOT WANT FAMILY SNOOPING AROUND THEIR SPACE. WHY?? BEC THEY ARE MEANT TO BE LIKE THAT. THEY ARE STILL IN A STAGE WHERE THEY WANT TO ALIENATE THEIR SELVES FROM EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY THEIR FAMILY, TO FIND WHO THEY REALLY ARE!! YES THAT IS A FACT I LEARNED FROM SAGMIT'S PSYCH 101 CLASS.

SO.

STOP VISITING MY BLOG. STOP INVADING MY PRIVACY. STOP READING MY MESSAGES. STOP IT. PLEASE.

GIVE ME MY SPACE. I KNOW I DESERVE ONE.

PLEASE DON'T FORCE ME TO COMPLETELY SCREEN YOU FROM WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE.

EDIT forgive my nonsense I just got carried away by the anger I felt. /EDIT
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There's this Virgin Festival on August 4 5 6 where all these bands are going to be shitting themselves: Smashing Pumpkins, Matisyahu, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Modest Mouse, Cheap Trick, Incubus, Velvet Revolver, Regina Spektor, Spoon, Interpol, 311 and a bunch or other bands.

The best part is that it's going to be in Baltimore, only 2hrs away from NJ. Plus I have family there! Whoopeee! :) But the ticket costs a lot. I won't sacrifice my ticket money for a silly concert.

Sigh.. Incubus aint silly.. Hahahhaa. No, I must spend only for the things I NEED not what I want. Okay. OKAY do you hear that self.
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RANDOM THOUGHT:

I think that guys with hyperactive estrogen levels should not exist in the world. It just doesn't seem right.. Like those who cry over a sunset. WHATEVER KILL YOURSELF YOU CRY BABY.

No offense meant to those who cry over sunsets |

Ballad of Balangiga
Radioactive Sago Project

September 27, 1901
Dahil sa treaty of paris
binenta tayo ng mga shet conio de puta
Sa mga kano, at mula noon ay naging kakambal
Na natin ang kamalasan dahil palagi na lang
Tayong damay sa mga away ni Amboy,
Lumusob ang mga anak ni Uncle Sam
At nanunog, nang-rape, namaril,
Nang-torture, nagnakaw sa buong bayan.

Sa isla ng Samar,
Dumating ang mga ‘kano sa bayan ng Balangiga.
So isang umaga, ang mga magigiting na mamamayan
Ng Balangiga ay nagplano:
"Ihawin na natin ang Amerikano!"
Nagsuot sila ng mga damit pambabae
Lumusob ng umaga
At pinagtataga ang mga Amerikanong sundalo habang sila ay nag aalmusal

Ito na nga ang naging Balangiga massacre—
Pero massacre para kanino?
Massacre daw ayon sa kasaysayan ng Amerikano.
E putanginang leche yan—
Paano magiging massacre eh nagtatanggol lang naman tayo?
Pag may pumasok bang magnanakaw
Sa bahay mo at pinatay mo ang magnanakaw
E kasalanan mo pa rin ba yun?
I mean, I hope you don’t mind, and won’t take offense,
we did it in self-defense

At bumawi ang mga kano—
Nag-utos si Gen. Jacob Smith na sunugin ang Samar
“I want you : I want you to kill and burn, the more you kill
and burn, the better you will please me!” sabi niya.
And that meant anybody ten years or older,
Marunong magsalita, wasto ang katawan
Lahat kailangang madamay sa madugong katayan.

At iyan po ang ibig sabihin ng benevolent assimilation:
Pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw, assassination
Panloloko, pang-gagago, pang-iinsulto
Kung tratuhin tayo parang kuto

And after New York and World Trade Center
We say: “We are all Americans. We are all Americans.”
Fuck that shit.
Ikaw na lang.
Fuck that shit.
Kayo na lang.
Bahala kayo sa buhay niyo.
Kayo na lang maging Amerikano.
Fuck that shit.

Wag nang maulit
Pero naulit
ang kasaysayang lagi na lang
Napipilipit

"..pero its just interesting how these things never come up in our history classes. like the fact na tinatawag tayo ng mga kano na "gugus" or "monkeys with no tails" noon. ayon pa nga sa article ni ambeth ocampo, gen. jacob smith was intent on turning samar into "a howling wilderness". actually unang nabasa ko tong battle of balangiga sa libro ni ambeth ocampo. maganda yung pagkakakwento niya dito. napakavivid. parang pang action scene sa braveheart. pero kung hindi ko pa nabasa doon, hindi ko na siguro nalaman. and we wonder why we pinoys dont have a sense of history and of who we are." - reypinmoko

Well, Happy Independence Day America. Can't believe I myself am here in this country. Also can't believe my family, except the father, are such ass kissers. KADIRI. KADIRI. KADIRI PUTAENA.

'Si Ruth? Dai naghihiling? Ma-amerikano na sya!' - one auntie says.
TRANSLATION:
'Si Ruth? Hindi nanonood? Mag-aamerikano na sya e!'

Napa-tsss ako ng malakas eh. Sabi ng utak ko fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Ikaw na lang. Fuck that shit. Kayo na lang. Bahala kayo sa buhay niyo. Kayo na lang maging Amerikano. Fuck that shit.

KADIRI never. Filipino pride pare, maintindihan nyo yun I'm not like you I don't believe in America that much you guys are just like millions of Filipinos/immigrants who are blinded by 'America's better opportunity'. Just wait 'til I'm of right age and I'll leave this country without any second thoughts. I'd rather live in the Philippines though looking for money would be hard and though the govt sucks bigtime than help America's government uselessly send their American soldiers to Iraq to kill themselves. How ironic that people here question where the govt will get money to help other people like the homeless or for charity blahblahblah but they don't question where Bush will get/gets the money to sustain the war in Iraq. I'm embarrassingly a US taxpayer now, and I see that a big portion of the my money goes to federal taxes. Meaning. Money taken from me to wage the war. Yes, I contribute to the pathetic Iraq war. And so does my whole family. Imagine, I give an average of $25 a friggin week to federal taxes. And what do they tell me? 'It's like a forced saving honey don't worry you're gonna get it back by the end of the year when you file your income tax return.' Whatever. It's not even about getting the money back or not. And they also tell you that you will benefit from the taxes you pay bec you get these services and those and these. Hah. What a cover-up. Yes, maybe a part of it.

Ugh. Whatever. Let's just drop this discussion about taxes before American forces sue me and kill me. There's completely no privacy here. Who knows if Imma get snippered later when I take my midnight snack because of this post. But maybe I won't. Because I'm not an influential person. But maybe the administration here is THAT insecure. Oh well.. Let's just see.

Lahat naman ng bansa may baho. Nataon lang na even long before nagtanim na talaga ng baho ang mga Kano. At nataon ding power hungry ang mga Kano, kaya kung ano anong bansa pa ang nakakabangga.

Naningningan naman nanay ko sa kinang ng fireworks sa TV. Pota, Ma, magising ka sana. Wag kang paimpluwensya sa mga kapatid mo please lang.

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I didn't understand yesterday's gospel when I read it. Probably because I only skimmed through it and didn't really try to understand it. I also didn't understand yesterday's readings. Probably because I was making fun of the readers' pronunciation. I caught myself correcting them for every word they mispronounced. I felt so ashamed after catching myself. I was in a church yet I was judging the readerS as if I am perfect.

The past week, I've been so ill-tempered. So impatient. So disrespectful and pretentious. In fact, while we were walking to Church yesterday, I bolted past the mother and the father, and Bambina [my Aunts' friend who lives with us now] because I was rebelling against the father. He woke me up after an hour's sleep because we were almost late for mass. I got cranky because he woke me up 5minutes earlier than the time I was going to really wake up. I got so mad that I was slamming the doors, and was stomping my way to everywhere. I was such a brat, I couldn't believe myself.

I raced past them, left them behind. I got to the church about a couple of minutes earlier than them. That's when I started skimming through the gospel.

Half way through the mass, I realized how mean I have become just because my sleep was disrupted 5 minutes earlier. I felt bad when I saw my father kneeling down -- praying -- almost all throughout the mass. I wondered what he was asking for. And why he knelt every so often -- he knelt every time he got the chance. I knew he felt guilty that he made me cranky. It wasn't at all. I felt soooo very much guilty that I made it look like it was his fault.

I've sinned so many times in a span of an hour or two. How bad can I get?

It was good that it was Sunday, though, because I felt redeemed as soon as I heard the homily. But. I got confused very much. I didn't understand the gospel when I read it, so it was good that the priest discussed it n detail. But what he said to end his homily totally alarmed me.

He said that we CANNOT change ourselves: only God can, so we should ask Him to grant us the openness that He may change us. What. I never looked at changing that way. Really? Bec I believe that change shall start with our willingness to change, then, as they say, God will do the rest. But the priest said our willingness is never enough, we will always falter, and we will always fall into temptation. Probably because no matter how much we say that we are ENTIRELY willing to change and to lead God's path, we humans are always afraid of ourselves. Afraid of our faults, ashamed of our sins.

We say we'd gladly take a bullet for our family, or friends. Would we really if we were truly caught in such a situation? Would we, really, give up our lives for them without thinking twice? We're used to saying things we think we can do but when it comes to taking action, that's a whole new story. It's harder to actually move your cheese than to say you could move it. I wonder when I will have enough courage and belief to fully trust God with my life.. Okay that was random.

I've been telling myself for almost four years now that I will change for the better. I've been telling myself I will be a better person. I constantly remind myself that I live not for myself but for Christ.. I realized, just now as I type this goodness incredible how the mind works, that I tell myself these things just for myself, for my 'spirit', for my own feeling, so that I will not feel such a bad person. So it will seem TO ME that I am TRYING to BE a good person.

In reality, my heart is still lost.. |

Tonight, I extremely miss taking my pet out for a walk.. The trips to Recto, to Manila, to UP, to Roxas, to Bicol.. The getting lost in Manila to find J. Bocobo Street. The random pig outs.. The SHOPPING. The 'group study' tactics. The Jack Daniels impulsive buying bec 'mayaman kami'. Everything!!

Rrrr..

I also extremely Hammy and Hommie [pronounce both as 'hommyyyy' with a grunt].. And Banjie. And the Pokemon kids. And Ate Armie, and Ching Ching..

I am going crazy I hug my comforter and pretend it is pet. Yes, a comforter. Not a pillow.

I also miss the yellow couch.. And the green pitcher. Also the cowboy shot glass, the grape shot glass, and the tall shot glass.

I miss my longher gimik buddy :( |

cha♥ kikismall♥ cla♥ kikibig♥ jevie♥ dantes♥
to be continued thanks

03.2006

04.2006

08.2006

09.2006

10.2006

11.2006

12.2006

01.2007

04.2007

05.2007

06.2007

07.2007

08.2007

09.2007

10.2007

11.2007

12.2007

01.2008

02.2008

03.2008

04.2008

05.2008

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my parents: for creating me. Yuck baduy. hahahaha.