Her answer wasn't as good as the other countries'. Is she even THAT beautiful? Roarr.. Miss USA actually had a better answer than her, and Korea looked better than her. It was either Venezuela or Brazil. But Brazil was the best for me!

My oh my.. Maybe it's because there were a lot of Asian judges.. Or hello political clout, maybe?


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Dapat magpopost ako, pero tinamad na me. Next time na lang pOwh. |

I made a booboo this morning in Dunkin. It would have been fine, but the owners were there so roar.. Haha oh well, shake it off, I'm just a trainee, it was just tea :D I'm too lazy to elaborate.

***
I'm almost done transferring to NJCU, the school with little grass but lots of landscapes. I already have a course, and a half-done schedule. I want to make good so the parents will send me home :) I'm majoring in Psychology and minoring in Modern Languages. I'm an irregular 3rd year. There are still some gen subjects I need to take [ie Natural Science, Media (this one's cool), etc.].

You know what's weird? I have one subject A DAY that runs from 4:30pm-7pm. The full load here is just 12 units. 4 subjects lang, cool. The irony, though, is that we pay A WHOLE LOT MORE even though it's just 12 units. Imagine $8,000 a year if you're a New Jersey resident, and double if you're not. Damn. And to think education in the US sucks, haha..

Why am I here. |

BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE: I wanted to post some gif's I ripped from Ping Medina's LJ but to my dismay, hindi ko mapagana dito! I hate :( Alam nyo ba kung pano? Teach meeee! :) Kenks! END OF BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE.

I like making coffee and laughing at customers :) I just don't like standing up all day and having to tie my hair up. The work is fine, it's fun. Although the family's weird, they want to see fucking work. What the fuck. Go away.

Harurummm.. What else.. Ah, Dunkin's about 15 mins away from our house so I can just walk home. This afternoon, after work, was the first time I walked alone in Jersey. I was just a few feet away from Dunkin when this black middle aged lady approached me. I don't snob strangers so I stopped and talked to her. I thought she was going to ask for directions. She COMMANDED me to SAY THAT I WILL HELP HER. I couldn't understand what she was saying at first because she was eating up her words. When I finally understood every word she said, I kind of got scared.

She kept on repeating the fucking sentence. 'Say you will help me. Say you will help me buy a little something to eat.' I looked at her for like 3 seconds trying to realize what she wanted me to do. I didn't realize she wanted me to give her money until she said 'Say you will help me buy a burger. Just a little something for food.'

'Oh,' I said. I was thinking of giving her my sandwich at first but my Aunt told me the other day that bums here hurt you and bad mouth you, so I should never look them in the eye hahahahahaha. I never looked her in the eye in the first place! And I didn't think she was a bum! I also didn't think something like that would really happen to me. The fucking son of a bitch.

The fucking woman robbed $2 off my $20 week allowance. Pucha I've never given 100 pesos to a bum/beggar in the Philippines ever ever in my life! And she, a fucking able bum who sits outside the train station making her already fat ass fat, receives two fucking dollars from me. That was about 2 hours of work in Dunkin already! FUCKING BLACK WOMAN EXPLOITING CHILDREN WHO LOOK LIKE THEY CAN'T REFUSE THEM BUMS BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARED THEY'LL GET HURT! Fuck. FUCK THEM. FUCK LAZY ASS BUMS IN JERSEY! FUCK YOU ALL.

You know what eats me most? The nerve of that woman, after handing her a dollar and another dollar because of her complaining, she had the fucking nerve to say 'Could you give me FIVE DOLLARS?' HELL NO! FUCK YOU!! So I say, 'I don't have 5, my money's for my bus fare. I can't go home if I give you more.' Then that was it. She even wanted to kiss my hand. Eww.

I could have ignored her.. But I bet would have done the same thing I did if you were in my situation. I'm new here. I don't have enough guts to stand up to black bums [black butts? :D]. She caught me off guard, that fucking lucky bitch. I won't let something like this happen to me again. I know better now.

This is a lesson for me, and for everyone else I suppose.

A lesson we won't learn in school.

[Yes I still don't like school hehe :)] |

I start working on Monday, 11am-3pm. 11-3, though, is just for two days: for my training. My regular's 5:30am-12nn. Wow, yes. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF! I CAN WAKE UP AT 5! I CAN! I CAN! I CAAAAN! Heh shut up.

I'm a bit excited about the job because I can finally start on saving up for my trip back home. It's my only motivation. If not for that, I wouldn't really want to work hehe. You know me, I'm a bum. Wait scratch all those. I have another reason for getting a job. It's my escape from the pestering relatives who love 'America' so much. Blech. The greedy hypocrites. Aso ng Amerika, parang si Gloria. UGH I especially despise such people [Dear Jake, I still hate you more :)]. Hate it that I have to live with them, and put up with their bullcrap. The father says the same, actually. He can't take the bullcrap, too. But you know, they're the mother's brother and sisters, we can't really kill them even if we're [or maybe it's just me] at the brink of losing our tempers now. I can't wait to get out of this house. He can't wait to get out of this house, too :) I love the father. He's the only sane one I can talk to here. But I dislike him when he wakes me up so early in the fucking morning. Exaggerating, I am. But 11am is still very early for me.

EHEM I'm getting carried away. Focus, child. FOCUS. Ahemhem..

Although, this job is just temporary since its pay is low. $7.50/hr isn't that bad for an unexperienced and angsty person such as I but I actually have better offers. Cool yes? :) After I get my first paycheck, I will leave Dunkin to work in a park's office, hurrah. I think I will like that job because I have this secret desire to photocopy err stuff. And hello I have computer access 24/7 winkwink cake mania and diner dash ;) Yay! It pays $8.50/hr.. Plus I won't be doing too much physical work. *Oh boo my ass will get bigger then! OHNO.

If I work for 5months at that rate, whoa barracuda! I can go home AND I can bring everyone pasalubongs! :D Isn't that great?? WOOO MUST WORK HARD! MUST GO HOME! MUST! MUST! MUST!! :) But school starts in September.. So.. I won't work full-time starting Sept, oh boo :( That means less pasalubongs for everyone :( Oh! Oh! Not to worry! I can part time in this perfume shop in Macy's during Christmas season when all American husbands buy perfume for their wives :) For every perfume I sell, I get commission! And for every perfume that I get gift wrapped, I get a dollar! :D People say they average $400 a week just from the commission. Oh yes that's a lot.

But I can also consider pushing wheelchairs in the airport where you average $300 a day [during the peak season] just from the tips. Let's all love old people. I love old people. Especially Europeans. Accdg to rumor, Europeans give shit loads of tip. If you talk to them and be nice to them, that is. That doesn't sound difficult.. And hello. $300/day?? That's without your salary! In fact, nevermind the salary! Tips are love! :D I'd be filthy rich if I do that for a living! No more school! Yeaaahhhhh!! Let's all just push wheelchairs in the airport and hunt old Europeans wooooowwwweeeee!!!

Too bad I'm not THAT greedy. Nor am I strong enough to push a 7ft old obese man in a wheelchair. Kidding.. I love cuddly old people :)

RANDOM: I suddenly realized that I missed using/typing in my old Toshiba [Yes, the laptop that's infested with so many viruses from my beloved Ateneo]. I use my VAIO more now because it's faster. |

The Philippine election is so disappointing.

What's new?




I hate watching Philippine news more. I'm a Filipino, I should be in the Philippines. I should be in the Philippines suffering with my fellow Filipinos. I should be in the Philippines cursing with my fellow Filipinos. I should be in the Philippines. But I'm in the 'comforts' of the United States. It's more disappointing now that I have seemingly fled to another country to attain a 'better' life.

It's even more disappointing now that the only thing I can do is to watch.. from afar.





So damn disappointing. |

One thing I didn't really anticipate about leaving my old life behind was that someone or something would come along and fill in all the gaps I created when I left. Not to say I didn't know perfectly well that it would happen. I just didn't anticipate how it would actually feel to be replaced. I'm not just talking about old job positions, or old roles, or old relationships. I'm also talking about objects, and places, things I used to "fill", that are now filled with other things or other people.

Remember what it felt like when you found out that your ex-boyfriend had found someone new? You were so certain you were making the right decision when you broke up with him. After all, it wasn't working out. You never really got along with each other. You were more bad than good for each other in the long run, and since the break-up, you've been happier and haven't looked back since. But the moment you see him with someone new, you remember none of this. All of it is clouded over by the dull, empty, bitter feeling of being replaced, supplanted. And suddenly, illogically, you want him back. Desperately.

I get that feeling sometimes, wanting to dash back to Manila and fill in all my old spaces. It's easy to feel that way when you have nothing. Everyday, you hear about other people building towers (or worse, occupying old towers you built), while all you've managed to build in your new life is a little pile of sand. In a panic, you grab on to what little you have left, hoping it will save you. You cling to an old identity, jealousy hold on to your past, just so you don't feel like such a nothing.

But it's futile. It's like trying to reattach a loose tooth that's been dangling from your gum by one thread. The past doesn't work for you anymore. It's gotta go. You know it. There's no other way. There's that panic when you make the leap. A moment of pain, a sad goodbye. Dying breaths. Death. Transition. Newness. Initial fear of newness. Then, lightness.

I've died so many times since I've gotten here. I die almost everyday.

Out of all my life's existential crises, this one is the worst. Not a day goes by that I don't ask questions. Why am i here? Did i not have a bright future ahead of me in Manila? Was I not earning? Did I not possess a highly coveted career? Wasn't Manila my oyster? Was I absolutely, barking mad to leave it all behind?

And yet...

Wasn't the energy of that old life beginning to expire? Wasn't I beginning to feel stuck, boxed in? Is this not my chance to make my life mine- to feel it, taste it, hold it in my hands, make my own decisions, make my own mistakes, and find things out for myself?

I don't know what's going to happen to me here, but I do know what would happen if I had stayed: my world would be smaller, and so my dreams would be smaller. I'd convince myself that dreams are unattainable, tell myself that there's nothing out there, and probably marry earlier than planned.

There are two women inside of me. One is a nester. She is nurturing, and submissive. She wants security, certainty, and basically wants to settle down. She will look no further than the tried and tested, the safe and perscribed route. Her fullfillment lies in domestic life, being a good mother and a good wife. Everybody likes her because she is proper and sensible. I've known her all my life.

The other woman is a shadow of the other. I'm only beginning to get to really get to know her, even though she's been beckoning for me to look her way for ages. I tried ignoring her at first because people said she could fill my head with all these subversive ideas. They said she was selfish and ungrateful. She made me dream too big, which seemed audacious of me. How dare I ask for more than what I already have! How dare I dream of being more. She likes to cross the lines. She won't settle for hand-me-down beliefs and wants to see things for herself. She wants to see who she is. She defies convention. She's strong, independent, and can be aggressive when she needs to. Not everybody approves of her and not everybody understands her.

But this woman desperately needs to be satisfied, needs to be listened to. I need to look her in the eye and ask her what it is she wants, because she has something important to say. It took me awhile to realize that she was a part of me, and not some demon trying to tempt me away from the straight and righteous path.

This is my chance. This is it. I'm ready to begin real life. So let me die away. Strip me to the bone if you must. Let the new me come in. At the end of it, may I attain the wholeness I seek, the meeting and melding of these two women.

I lie on my back on this cosmic ocean, looking up at constellations.

-lala0range
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Just finished talking to Jujur on the phone. 50 minutes flies faster than the speed of light.




I miss him so much.





I send off a bunch of flying kisses to the wind. I hope the pet receives it soon. |

|

I went to my new school today. |

FUCK TOEFL! FUCK THAT FUCKING TEST! Is really it THAT hard?? Why don't I think so. Fuck that test. |

Every time I go to Church and receive communion, I get so fucking sensitive. Well, ever since I got here, that is. My first two Sundays, I ended up hiding my tears after praying [you know, the part when you kneel after swallowing the host.] I don't know if that's good [that I'm praying my heart out i.e. 'Oh God I can't take it anymore kill me please.' Joking about the example.] or maybe bad [that I'm utterly being so hopeless all I do here is cry when I get the chance or when I have nothing to do. Oh hoho what boredom can do to people like me.] I absolutely hate it. It seems endless, this sensitivity and sadness I feel. Worst thing is, I can't talk to anyone anymore, anytime. Hello time difference. Fuck you to you.

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I still have a hard time filling up forms. Every time I see 'Address' or 'Country', I get confused. It's not 078 Loyola St. Malilipot Albay 4510 anymore. It's now 45 Corbin Ave Jersey City NJ 0730something.

I just can't call this home. |

I love yellow light. You know, those yellow yellow lights that make you look all pretty and make your features look soft(er)? Yeah, those yellow lights! I love them♥

April 25, 2007
It was so hard to say goodbye :( I didn't want to let go.. If not for the fire breathing mother and those fucking chismoso guards staring at us, I wouldn't have let go. But things had to be done.. I regret so many little things. All those should haves, could haves, whatever haves. I hate the coward that I am.

With the pressure the fire breathing mother has put upon me, I managed to spurt out whispered hate for the pet. Finally, I say it to his face [or neck, to be specific]. It was very hard. I can't believe movie puppets say it with ease, confidence and conviction [where did that come from]. I think I'm starting to hate those cheesy flicks which make you think that the universe shall conspire for you and prince charming. Got to snap out of it, people. Wake up and smell reality. The world is hopeless, life is hard, you're going to be an old [and complaining] maid/widow. Kidding. Back to what I was saying.. It was really hard. I swear I couldn't have done it without the mother pressure. So, yeah, thanks mother.

After saying the deadly words, I walked away as fast as I could without looking back. My feet were so heavy. Not to mention my heart, too.

When I got back to our unit, the fire breathing mother didn't talk to me. Silent treatment. Who cares, I didn't want to talk either. But I had to talk and make something up to conceal the red eyes I had. To cut the story short, I cried the whole damned minutes in the condo, and on the way to the airport. Mother thought I was crying because of my grades [don't ask]. I wasn't. Or I think I wasn't. Whichever. Bottomline, I cried hard.

When the plane was about to take off, I looked out the window and tears just drooled. Then when I was about to breathe in some air for me to calm down, I catch this stupid little girl's reflection staring at me through her window. She was about ten years old. I looked at her. I knew I hurt her when she looked away with an ouch face. If she continued looking I could have given her a finger, that irritating twit.

For hours I covered myself with the blanket the airline handed out and just disgustingly cried. Every now and then I would look at big bad watch and map in the LCD screen. Everything was still surreal to me. |

GREAT! I finally fix the template and setting shit of this thing! I don't understand why Blogger complicates err stuff. I think I'm getting old [and fat], I keep on complaining.

ANYWAY! I MUST UPDATE MY UNCULTURED LIFE NOW! :)

Juju hullo :) |

cha♥ kikismall♥ cla♥ kikibig♥ jevie♥ dantes♥
to be continued thanks

03.2006

04.2006

08.2006

09.2006

10.2006

11.2006

12.2006

01.2007

04.2007

05.2007

06.2007

07.2007

08.2007

09.2007

10.2007

11.2007

12.2007

01.2008

02.2008

03.2008

04.2008

05.2008

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my parents: for creating me. Yuck baduy. hahahaha.